Writing || A Truth

The truth can often be hard to face, even more so when it is one you have successfully convinced yourself is not real. It's just a bad day, a bad week, a bad month. You're okay, you're just lazy, procrastinating, you'll have the energy to do it tomorrow.

Before you know it four years have gone by and you can't remember yourself in any other state of mind. Were you ever truly enthusiastic about things before? Was there a time when you woke you up excited and wondering what the day may hold? How did you get here, how did you get here, how did you get here.

One day you wake up and the very idea of having to make it through the day crushes against your shoulders. All you can do is cry at the absolute exhaustion that simply existing places upon you. You can't sleep but someone has filled your bones with lead during the night and every step feels like a marathon you never signed up to run.

Then it's a doctor's waiting room. You've never been to a doctor's on your own before and you're obsessively rehearsing what you want to say. You've only told one person you're here because despite your rational self knowing better, your mind still tells you that this seems a lot like defeat. You weren't strong enough to keep fighting it on your own.

The doctor's kind, gentle, makes soft jokes that make you smile. She reminds you of your grade 12 maths teacher and that makes you calm down a little. She asks question after question and when she finds your heart rate is well over what it should be, whisks you away to another room where you're made to lie shirtless with wires on your chest, on your arms, on your legs. She wants to make sure your heart's working properly. You want to tell her that it isn't, but that it's not something any machine can detect.

The future starts to fill up with doctors and psychologists and the endless battles of the mind. You're scared, terrified, but with a little less intensity than that with which you just want to be okay. It's been far too long since you've been okay, but you're finally getting brave enough to admit it.